05 November 2023 , 16:16
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Jean Williams’ voice catches in her throat as she describes her life in 2018. At 89 she’d spend days in her home completely alone, regularly sleeping in the afternoons so the time would pass faster, not knowing when she would see or speak to another person.
And research reveals that sadly, Jean’s experience is all too common. A study by neighbourhood app Nextdoor and loneliness charity the Marmalade Trust found that 85 per cent of people in the UK have experienced loneliness in the past year, with 44 per cent of adults admitting they feel chronically lonely.
But the study also found hope. For starters, three-quarters of those polled said they’d like to have a cup of tea with a neighbour to ease their loneliness.
Jean spent days at home completely alone until she met Harley
Mum Madeleine found new mates on nature trailsJust like Harley Raw. In 2018 the student nurse from Doncaster, South Yorkshire, watched an Age UK advert and was struck by the levels of social isolation among the elderly.
She says: “I was pregnant, which definitely made me more emotional. But I turned to my partner in tears and said, ‘There’s got to be something I can do’.”
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Determined to help, Harley, now 32, heard about b:friend, a Yorkshire-based charity founded to tackle loneliness. She volunteered for its befriending scheme, which connects younger people with an older neighbour in their home, for an hour a week.
When Jean, also from Doncaster, opened her door to Harley, she didn’t know that it would change her life.
“We had an instant connection,” Jean, now 94, remembers. “Harley was warm and kind, and just so easy to be with.
“Despite there being 62 years between us we quickly became friends, spending time every week chatting about our lives over cups of tea. We looked at photos of my travels through China and Mexico and she told me about her work and family. The time we spent together became the highlight of my week.”
Arran created a social hub for men
Arran helped build the Shrewsbury ShedIn the years since, their friendship has deepened. Through the pandemic their phone calls became a lifeline for Jean, and she’s loved watching Harley’s sons, River, six, and Sunny, four, grow up.
“My friendship with Harley has brought me such joy,” she says. “Having her in my life makes me feel so much better.”
Loneliness is much more than just a feeling, says Colette Bunker, b:friend CEO, and research proves this. “Loneliness is likely to increase your risk of death by 26 per cent. It can lead to depression, coronary disease, a weaker immune system and dementia. “It’s as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.”
But it’s not just older people who face these risks. In the Nextdoor study, over half of those under 34 reported chronic loneliness, compared to 38 per cent of over 65s.
This isn’t a surprise to Arran McLachlan, 45, from Shrewsbury in Shropshire. In January 2022 his long-term anxiety left him stuck at home, struggling and isolated.
“People think that loneliness only impacts the elderly, but I was in a pretty bad place. Some days I couldn’t even make it out of my front door. But as soon as I heard about Men’s Sheds, I knew that it was for me.”
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A place where men can come together to connect, converse and createThe Sheds concept began in Australia in 1999, creating places where men could make connections and form friendships while sharing skills and knowledge. The first UK Shed was set up in 2008 and there are now 952 across the country.
The grassroots model means that Sheds can be set up anywhere, from empty offices to garages. Arran helped build the Shrewsbury Shed from the ground up, transforming an old stable block into a place where men can come together to connect, converse and create.
“That can mean working on projects together, like making bird boxes for the RSPB or just talking over endless cups of tea,” says Arran. “Some days there are lots of us, others just a few. But everyone is open and supportive, and it has helped me hugely.”
For Arran the fact his Shed is men-only is important. “The truth is that for many men it can be hard to open up in front of women. In the Shed no one is trying to find a solution, they just listen. And no one pushes you to talk if you don’t want to. It’s a really special place,” he says. And the connections that Arran has made in the past 15 months don’t end at the Shed door.
“I only have to pick up the phone and there are guys ready to meet me for a chat or a beer, and I’d do the same for them. The friendships are real and have changed my outlook on life.”
Not every successful scheme needs a home like Jean’s, or a hub like Arran’s, for people to connect. Others use the great outdoors to forge friendships.
“Fear of loneliness was a big reason for me setting up Blaze Trails,” explains Katy O’Neill Gutierrez, 38.
“When I had my first baby in 2017, I worried about the days stretching out ahead of me. I love the outdoors and wanted to properly connect with other parents and to be ourselves. What better way to do that than to go for a beautiful walk together?”
She was amazed at the number of people who joined, and with 56 walks now happening nationwide, loves to hear about the positive impact on parents. “People have told me they’d been lonely and that walking in a group helped them feel happier and develop more meaningful friendships,” she says.
That’s certainly been the experience of Madeleine Dearsley. But it wasn’t exactly excitement she remembers from her first walk in August.
“I was terrified,” the 31-year-old from Cirencester, Gloucestershire, recalls with a laugh. “My first child, Charles, was six weeks old, and I didn’t have many friends nearby.”
But she desperately wanted to get out of the house, so a friend invited her on a Blaze Trails free 2km walk through a beautiful estate.
“But then at the very last minute, she couldn’t come. I’m not a very confident person and never go to things unless I have someone with me. I very nearly turned around and went home.”
But encouraged by her husband, Madeleine stuck with her plan, and is very glad she did.
“It was lovely and relaxed. Unlike some parent groups there wasn’t pressure to pick a certain chair or person to sit with. Everyone just chatted as we walked and then we all went for tea and cake,” she says.
“I came home with a massive grin on my face, so pleased I’d pushed through my fear. Connecting with other mums in such a relaxed way, and in beautiful nature, did me the world of good.”
Madeleine has been on another five walks and can feel friendships forming with the women she’s met. “New parenthood can be isolating and things like this make you feel less alone,” she says.
“I would encourage any new parent who feels isolated to give something like this a go. If you take the first step you never know, it could lead somewhere brilliant.”
Harley knows all about plans taking an unexpected turn. In 2018 she was simply hoping to help someone else, but their friendship has also enriched her life immeasurably.
“In August we went away for the night to a hotel together and had the best time. You don’t always realise what you could do with a friendship with someone older, who can bring fun and wisdom into your life. “It’s wonderful.”
As for Jean, loneliness is now just a distant memory. She says: “Harley has brought so much light to my life. I’m proud to call her my friend.”
- For support and information visit marmaladetrust.org, nextdoor.co.uk, letsbfriend.org.uk, menssheds.org.uk and blazetrails.org.uk