24 October 2023 , 07:19
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Chris Kamara has opened up about his battle with apraxia, a rare neurological disorder that has affected his speech and balance and led to his decision to leave Sky Sports after 24 years with the broadcaster.
Kamara was diagnosed in 2021 and first spoke publicly about his struggles with apraxia the following year, before stepping away from his role on Sky's Soccer Saturday at the end of the season.
And in his new book 'Kammy: My Unbelievable Life', which is being serialised by the Mirror, Kamara revealed that after he was first diagnosed he would talk to the animals he and wife Anne keep on the land at their home in Wakefield.
"As I was gripped by apraxia, and the apparent hopelessness of my future, I'd been escaping more and more down to the animals at the back of the house," Kamara revealed. "Hidden away, that smallholding became my refuge.
"Animals don't judge. You look after them and in return they show you unconditional love. I would talk to them as I stood there. I'd let all my innermost feelings tumble out. I didn't need to worry about them noticing my slowed speech or my compromised stability.
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"It seems silly to say they 'listened', but in those moments that's how it felt. Going down there allowed me to unravel my thoughts. And I'll be honest, some of those thoughts could be dark.
"I worried about where I was going to end up. Would my physical and neurological deterioration just keep going and going? And I worried more about the effect it would have on those around me."
Chris Kamara was diagnosed with apraxia in 2021 (Getty Images)Kamara was left thinking his family would 'be better of' without him, but said sharing his thoughts and struggles with those around really helped. "When finally I did start to share my problems, I began to see that the future might not be so bleak," he added.
"That a world could exist with me in it. Hopefully a me who was better, but nevertheless a version of me who I could live with. It's hard to look back on those dark times. To the outside world I know how irrational those thought patterns must seem.
"But when the walls are closing in it's easy to feel differently. I hope by being honest and talking about it, I can help others see that there is always another way out. There is always hope. You just have to let other people help you see it."
KAMMY: My Unbelievable Life by Chris Kamara is published by Macmillan on November 9, £22