28 August 2023 , 17:06
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Dear Coleen
I desperately need some advice on how to handle an awkward situation with my soon-to-be stepdaughter, who’s 23.
In a nutshell, she disclosed to my family, as well as to me and her father, that she is bisexual and polyamorous (has multiple sexual relationships), met her now 35-year-old husband on a “kink” site and that they are into bondage. It was a lot of information to process!
I don’t know whether I’m being old-fashioned, but my opinion is that they can do what they want in their private lives, but these public disclosures about their sexual preferences are making me feel very uncomfortable.
It is also beginning to cause arguments between me and her dad – my fiance – as she can do no wrong in his eyes. Her mum was never on the scene when she was growing up, so her dad brought her up on his own and they’re very close.
'I'm spending £20k on a new bathroom - but won't help my brother out with cash'
It’s getting to the point where I genuinely feel like walking away and leaving them all to get on with it. I don’t know what to do about any of it, as I’m way out of my comfort zone, and would really value your opinion.
Coleen says
Firstly, I think you might be overreacting and it’s a silly reason to contemplate leaving your fiance and calling off a wedding. If your partner was disclosing that he was into polyamory and wanted to take on some lovers, then I would say fair enough.
On the positive side, I think it’s brilliant that, at 23, his daughter feels comfortable enough with you all to be honest about who she is. I get lots of letters from people who are very afraid to tell their families they’re gay, bi or trans.
So, look at it this way – she’s really embraced you as part of her family. And, you might find that now she’s said it, she won’t bring it up again. From your letter, it seems that it’s the talking about it that makes you feel uncomfortable.
So, if she does carry on going into detail, why not just say something like: “I respect your choices, but feel uncomfortable when you talk about sex in front of me. It’s just the way I am.” Keep it light-hearted and non-judgmental.
This situation shouldn’t impact on your relationship with your fiance and, if it does, then maybe you need to look deeper into yourself and ask why it bothers you so much.