16 March 2023 , 14:56
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A primary school teacher, who lured her partner to bed for sex and then stabbed him to death for having an affair, wrote "I'm not a monster" in a diary, a court heard.
Fiona Beal, 49, has gone on trial accused of murdering her long term partner Nicholas Billingham, 42, after finding out he was having an affair.
A court heard she stabbed him in the neck, after luring him to bed for sex and blindfolding him, using a knife she had hidden in her dressing gown.
Beal then buried her boyfriend in the back garden of their home in Northampton beneath a pile of bark and soil and wrapped in bin bags, sheets and cable ties.
Police traced her to a holiday cottage in the Lake District after she had attempted suicide and discovered a "chilling" journal which plotted the murder, jurors were told.
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Nicholas Billingham's body was found buried in a back garden (Northamptonshire Police / SWNS)In the diary, she described how she had killed an unnamed person under her alter-ego called Tulip22 after finally reaching "breaking point".
On the fourth day of her trial at Northampton Crown Court, jurors were read further extracts from Beal's notebooks.
In them, she described her boyfriend as an "unlikeable person" and that "no one would’ve looked for him" after he died as "no one seemed bothered".
Beal also spoke of the guilt which had been "strangling" her and added: "I am sorry I didn’t leave him....I am sorry I am weak. I am sorry for what I did."
But she also wrote that "no ghosts had haunted her" and how her "move from passive victim" had reminded her of the 1991 film Thelma and Louise.
Detective Constable Donna Flemming, the investigating officer for Northamptonshire Police, read the extracts to jurors, in which Beal wrote: “Reading back I haven’t gone into this too much as my guilt strangles me.
Police and forensic officers at the house in Kingsley (SWNS)"I am sorry I didn’t leave him. I am sorry I let him rip my self-esteem and self-worth apart. I am sorry I am weak. I am sorry for what I did. Yes I am alive currently but it’s more like a waiting room. People will blame my mental health. I should have/could have .. fixed myself.
“Do I regret what I did? Of course I do, I’m not a monster. It had been building up for so long. The funny thing is that he was such an unlikeable person. I only had to send a few texts, no one seemed bothered. I don’t think anyone would have looked for him.”
Another passage read: “When it happened I really wanted to call dad, I’m scared to call mum. I didn’t want my last memory of her to be disappointed. I think I’m nearly ready. I will choose a movie and have a bath soon. I will do my hair and makeup and ignore all my flaws.
“No one would know what I did. I spend my days in the grey and in the black. People are mad, miserable and joyless. I noticed the sad miserable joyless people more than the living. I noticed the mum shouting at her kids and the man abusing his girlfriend.
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“Negative monologue has been nurtured by him. ‘Ugly, physically unattractive, knocked in the head’. Everyone has a negative internal monologue, mine is just dominant.”
In another journal, Beal documented the days in the run up to her suicide attempt in the Lake District, comparing the sky to the domed sky in film The Truman Show.
She writes: “The sky is beautiful, big northern sky. I saw a shooting star and made a wish. Know the purpose and audience of what you write is what I teach.
“No one knows where I am, I booked this lodge for ten days, that was all it took in November. Surely 10 days would be enough. It's taken me nearly five zoots and wine to come close to calming me.
Fiona Beal is accused of stabbing her partner Nicholas Billingham in the neck (PA)“I can’t recall much of the journey here, a man and his son told me my passenger side brake light was out. I'm already deciding on alarms in my head. Okay currently it is 01.20, kind of want to sleep, kind of don’t.”
Another passage reads: “Much of the journey is a blur, the actual drive I mean. I realised there is only one other option that will see me locked up, prolonging my existence.
“I do think I am unlucky. He better be good at answering my questions. I have set up home here in the lodge. The sky is twinkling, Truman Show-esque. A little too sparkling and perfect. Still my actions haunt me.
“These are my last days on earth, I’m not particularly worried about dying. I cannot go home, if I do I will be arrested and back in the grey world. The grey world is cruel, work is overwhelming and my mind goes to the dark places.”
The court was told in a final journal that police pieced together after it was found torn up in Beal’s car, she wrote about thinking she "might get away with it".
She put: “I thought for a while that I might get away with it, I thought I could too. My thoughts will be rambled, weed, mental illness take your pick, I just need to put things down.
“Which brings me to god and the supernatural. I have clearly done very bad things and good things. I believe we are no different animals. No ghosts have haunted me, no visions, no difficulty sleeping. My move from passive victim and stand up reminds me of Thelma and Louise.”
Pathologist Dr Frances Hollingbury also gave evidence, claiming that Beal would have had to use "moderate to severe force" to kill her partner.
Dr Hollingbury also suggested that Nicholas would have been conscious and breathing for a few minutes following the attack.
Dr Hollingbury said: “Before I could examine Mr Billingham’s body I had to remove a number of items. Having removed these covering I identified a yellow and grey fabric sheet. He was wearing a blue striped dressing gown and had a sleep mask over his eye.
“There was some text printed on the inside aspect of the mask which read 'This is my morning after face'.”
The court was told in a final journal that police pieced together after it was found torn up in Beal’s car, she wrote about thinking she "might get away with it" (SWNS)Dr Hollingbury said the stab wound was roughly 3.7cm in length and that there were no signs that Mr Billingham had put up a fight.
She added: “This was a stab wound to the right-hand side base of the neck. It passed through the area where all the major nerves are in the neck and almost completely transcended the right jugular.
“Although I can’t pinpoint exactly when Mr Billingham died, the level of decomposition would be in keeping with him dying several months prior.
“The injury to this major vein would’ve bled readily but that does not cause you to immediately collapse. So his heart would’ve continued beating and his brain would’ve continued functioning until he’s a lost enough blood from that injury to cause compromise to his systems.
“He’ll have been able to walk, talk, run and scream. There's no reason that it stopped him from act or react in the minutes after this injury was sustained."
Nicholas' mummified remains were discovered at the property four months after Beal is said to have carried out the murder in November 2021.
The body was found buried beneath paving slabs, building blocks and mortar topped with bark chippings and soil.
Beal was said to have repainted and cleaned the walls of the couple's bedroom and used Nicholas' phone to pretend he was still alive.
She admits unlawfully killing Nicholas but denies murder on the grounds of her mental state at the time.
The trial continues.