07 March 2024 , 21:13
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Dear Coleen
I’ve been married for 10 years and we have a five-year-old son. We were about to start IVF when I got pregnant naturally, which was wonderful.
I suffered a bit of postnatal depression afterwards, but gradually overcame it with support. Our son is at school now and, for the first time in a long time, things feel more relaxed at home.
We always said when our son went to school we’d try for a second baby, as we always wanted more than one. I’m one of three and my husband is one of four.
I’m not sure if I’m imagining this, but my husband seems reluctant to have sex these days and I’m wondering if he’s having second thoughts on another baby. To be honest, I’m not sure if I want to go through having a newborn again, but I haven’t said anything to him.
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I also don’t know how easy it would be to get pregnant and the thought of going through IVF isn’t appealing. I feel it’s taken me a long time to adjust to being a parent and there’s finally light at the end of the tunnel. Is it selfish to just stick with one and what if my husband doesn’t feel the same? I’d love your opinion.
Coleen says
No, I don’t think it’s selfish, but you both need to be honest about how you feel.
Maybe it’s because you talked about having loads of kids when you got together and then went through a lot to have your son that you don’t want to admit to each other that one child is actually enough.
I know from friends who’ve had fertility treatment that IVF is hard both physically and emotionally, and it can also put a lot of stress on your relationship. And it doesn’t always work.
If you don’t want to put yourself through it after what you’ve already been through, it’s understandable.
In fact, you shouldn’t have a baby, naturally or with the help of IVF, unless you’re both 100% behind it.
Your husband might be having the same doubts as you, but is worried to say it simply because he doesn’t want to disappoint you.
My sister Bernie lost her first child, but went on to have her lovely daughter Erin. She was excited to find out she was pregnant again, but sadly miscarried. It was devastating for Bernie and her husband, but it took them a while to have the conversation where they decided to stop trying for any more children.
Once the decision was made and they realised they weren’t letting down the other person, you could literally see the stress falling away from them and it was a huge relief to be able to focus on enjoying what they had together.
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Yes, you might want four kids when you fall in love with someone, but we all know that reality can look very different.
Life can take us along a different path. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with changing your mind and there’s no reason why you can’t be just as happy as a family of three. Be brave and open the discussion.