02 March 2024 , 18:09
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Any parent living with young people who are navigating the gap between childhood and adulthood will know how bumpy the road can be. On one hand, your “children” are old enough to make you laugh, share some of your interests and perhaps even agree to watch a film you’ll both like on Netflix once in a while.
On the other, they can be moody, anxious, unpredictable balls of hormonal explosiveness. According to research by charity Young Minds, one in six young people has a probable mental health problem, with less than one in three of those able to access NHS care and treatment. This often leaves parents and guardians to play the role of stand-in therapist. I asked the experts how best to offer the support they really need – and whether it is possible without ruining our own mental health.
Is there a problem here?
Just like everyone else, teens have natural ups and downs – not all of which necessarily require them to see a professional. “We need to see the difference between an actual symptom of mental illness and what is just a normal part of teenage ups and downs that can be handled inside the family,” says Louis Weinstock, psychotherapist and author of How the World is Making our Children Mad and What to do About it.
So how do we distinguish between the two? “Ask yourself if the problem gets in the way of living a normal life,” suggests Weinstock. “Maybe if your teen can’t sleep or eat, you should seek help. But if it’s just a case of regular arguments, you should remember that conflict within families is very normal. It doesn’t mean your teen has a mental health problem but it does mean they are struggling to control their emotions and need your support. Start by listening and trying to show you understand the way they feel without trying to fix everything for them.
Just say no – to school?
Mental health campaigner Natasha Devon MBE gives regular talks and workshops in schools across the land and says she finds levels of apathy have increased among teens. “So many are refusing to go to school because they feel it’s pointless,” she says. “They are hyper-aware of the climate crisis, the housing crisis and the changing job market and they don’t think formal education can help them in the modern world. I remind them that life is all about choices. By completing your education and trying to get the best grades you can, you give yourself a wider range of life choices, even in an uncertain world.”
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Device dilemmas
While there is no hard evidence linking screen time with mental illness among teens, rates of anxiety and depression have gone steadily upwards in the UK since smartphones became more popular, from roughly 2012 onwards. Rowan Smith, of The Centre For Emotional Health, says: “Your teen can’t leave school or friendship problems behind when they get home any more. Their phones mean they are constantly exposed to drama and anxiety, so it’s important for them to manage their screen time.”
Unfortunately, as most parents know, getting a teen to put their device down is no easy feat. “It’s just like asking a drug or drink addict to suddenly stop – you’ll be met with hostility,” says Weinstock. “Cold turkey doesn’t work so it’s better to encourage them to slowly reduce their device use over time.
“Discuss it with them, ask them to reflect on how they feel when they have spells away from their phones and, most importantly, make a commitment to cut down your own phone use. If the whole family does it together, it sets a great example and has a much better chance of working.”
Understanding, not control
“The world is a harsh place to live in and social media means teens are more aware of this than ever,” says Dr John Duffy, psychologist and author of The Available Parent.
"Your role is to give them a sense of safety. Be very clear in telling them you want to support and understand them. You think your kids would just know that but often they don’t – you need to spell it out.”
However, it can be difficult to be supportive when your teen is throwing tantrums and being plain rude. How do you keep your cool? “Instead of trying to eradicate their bad behaviour, ask yourself why they are behaving that way,” says Dr Duffy. “Perhaps the issue is that they are scared, angry or frustrated. If you don’t talk to them about the root causes of their behaviour, it will just keep getting worse. It’s like playing Whac-A-Mole. You might be able to stop one bad behaviour, but another one will soon spring up in its place. So try to stay calm and just ask ‘Why?’”
Sams says young people can be moody, anxious, unpredictable balls of hormonal explosiveness (UIG via Getty Images)Feelgood focus
When our kids hit adolescence it can often feel as if we are merely policing their behaviour. Sometimes it feels as if every conversation is an instruction to do something: tidy your room, do your homework, get out of bed –now!
But remembering to offset this with a bit of positive feedback can work wonders, says Dr Andy Cope, author of The Art of Being a Brilliant Teenager. “I advise keeping a ratio of eight positive comments for every one negative one,” he says. “It’s a psychological theory called the Losada Ratio and it’s proven to strengthen relationships and improve wellbeing. What this means is you taking the time to really notice and mention the positive things your teenager has done. You don’t need to lay it on thick.
“Just pick your moments to make specific comments such as, ‘By the way, I think you’ve been doing brilliantly with your maths recently.’ Or ‘Thank you for walking the dog’. The more specific the better. However grumpy they are with you, they really do want you to notice the positives about them.”
And if your teen is the type who cringes at such interactions, you can do it via their phone instead. “Parents underuse texting and WhatsApp with their kids,” says Dr Duffy. “Drop them a text a few times a week with a quick ‘I love you’ or an inside joke that helps foster a bit of connection.”
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All about boundaries
Listening and understanding is all very well, but teens still need rules in their lives. “They might be seeking independence but most still secretly want parents to set down rules because it gives them a sense of safety,” says Smith. “Giving out orders and instructions all the time is quite a short term policy that damages your relationship in the long term.
Showing you understand their perspective will make a teen much more likely to respect any boundaries you set. For instance, it can be helpful to say something like, ‘I totally understand it’s not nice at school at the moment, but that’s not something we can negotiate on’.”
And how are you..?
Throughout all of this, the most important thing is that you look after your own mental health. “Raising teens is stressful so you need to make sure you don’t get overwhelmed,” says Dr Cope. “They need you to be at your best, so you need to focus on healthy habits to preserve your energy: eat healthy, move more and sleep well. Those are the basics that will help you to help your teen.”
The most important thing is acknowledging exactly what role you can play in your teen’s life, says Devon. “You really just have two jobs – the first is to listen without judging them, the second is to gently nudge them towards the help they might need elsewhere.
“You can’t fix them – and knowing that is the most important part of looking after your own mental health.”
Sam Delaney’s Sort Your Head Out (£18.99; Little, Brown) is out now