29 February 2024 , 17:18
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Sue Radford says she just knew she would never be able to bring her son Alfie home months before he was stillborn.
The parents of Britain's biggest family were hit by a devastating tragedy back in July 2014 when their 17th baby didn't survive. Alfie's little heartbeat could no longer be found during their three-month scan, which was the day after they announced she was pregnant again.
His tragic death came almost a year after Sue suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage and now she has been opening up about the most traumatic time in her life. Writing in their new joint book, The Radfords: Making Life Count, the mum of 22 says he started to slip away as they were filming.
Discussing the trauma, Sue candidly recalled the moment when doctors confirmed what she already knew and said nothing can prepare you for hearing those soul-destroying words. She said: "From finding out I was pregnant with Alfie, I think I always knew we were never going to take him home.
Tot Alfie's grave, where the family spend a lot of their time visiting (theradfordfamily/Instagram)"I just knew. It was so odd because I never felt like that during any of my other pregnancies. But with Alfie, I somehow knew I wasn't taking him home. Then, probably about three days prior to losing him, I just felt like he was slipping away because his movements were slowing down. It began with my instincts and then, towards the end, it was just the little physical things.
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"Then the day we lost him, we were filming down on the beach. I came home and was getting some really sharp back pains and I said to Noel 'I don't feel well and the baby's not moved'. We went to the hospital and they couldn't find a heartbeat. The doctor scanned me and that's when they said 'I'm really sorry, but he has died'. I don't think we can ever be mentally prepared for something as awful as that happening to you."
The pain does not get any easier for the grief-stricken family, who remember Alfie, whom they call "our missing heartbeat", in a very special way every summer. Their 21st child, daughter Bonnie, was born in November 2018 and had the same due date as the tragic Alfie.
The huge family are the stars of 22 Kids and CountingMum Sue has found a way to make sure she has a constant reminder of Alfie and can walk with her son wherever he goes. In August 2020, the busy parent explained the powerful and emotional meaning behind the tattoo that followers had noticed on her hand.
Taking to Instagram, Sue explained that she had Alfie's tiny handprints permanently inked onto her own hand, while his footprints were tattooed onto her feet. She wrote: "So I’ve had lots of messages and comments asking me what the tattoo is on my hand. So thought I’d put a post up to show you.
"The hand tattoo is Alfie’s handprints and I’ve also got his footprints on my foot. I love that I can always see his little hand prints on my hand and that his little feet always walk with me wherever I go." Sue's foot tattoo, which has Alfie's full name and date of birth as well as his footprints, reads: "Alfie Thomas Radford 06.07.2014."
If you have been affected by this story, advice and support can be found at childbereavementuk.org or you can call them on 0800 02 888 40.