27 February 2024 , 22:37
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Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months now and we’re planning to move in together in summer. We’re in our late-20s, everything is great and I’m excited about the next step. But I am concerned that so many of his friends are female.
He works in the events industry so he’s often out late at functions or packing up gear and sometimes has to be away at weekends.
I hope I don’t sound clingy or paranoid, but there are a couple of women from his company who he seems particularly close to, and they often go out for drinks and have even crashed at his place a few times when it’s been too late for them to get back home.
I don’t want to be “that” girlfriend who tries to dictate who my partner’s friends are – I know it’s not a good look. But I also believe that for us to move on as a couple, he should realise he can’t behave like he’s single and needs to think about how I might feel.
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It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I don’t know these women and what their intentions are.
What should I do?
Coleen says
OK, well, first of all, you’re both young and at the stage where you’re still part of big groups of friends (male and female). And at your age, work friends tend to be a big part of your life and social network, too. But I think when you move in together things will naturally change. I doubt he’ll have random people crashing the night or that he’ll treat the place like a bachelor pad. It’ll be your home, too, and he’ll need to consult you.
But I do understand why you feel irritated or insecure about other women staying the night, especially as you don’t know them.
It’s fine for him to say, “they’re just mates”, but he’s still thinking like a single guy and not taking your feelings into account. You might feel better about them if you got to know them better – why not suggest going along for a drink next time? You might even like them.
If he’s being honest and has nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be a problem. He should also want you to get to know all of his friends.
And, while I agree, it’s not healthy to try to control who your boyfriend hangs out with, I think it’s OK to tell him you’re not wild about women staying over and use it to talk about boundaries going forward.