04 January 2024 , 21:04
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This promises to be a leap year in more than one respect: an extra day, and a leap into the unknown.
A general election is due, but my crystal ball is clouded. Only Rishi Sunak knows when, and he can’t summon the nerve. Some things we can be sure about: wars, weather calamities, new Tory and royal scandals, fresh misery for England on the football pitch, and mixed fortunes in the Olympics.
Baroness “Bra” Mone kicks off the fun with her resignation from the House of Lords after getting fed up with investigations by financial and legal agencies. She sails into the sunset on yacht Lady M.
February ushers in the Chinese Year of the Dragon, symbolising power, nobleness, honour, luck and success. But not for the Tories who lose marginal Wellingborough to Labour in a by-election caused by the disgrace of the sitting MP.
An uneasy truce exists in the Israel-Gaza war, after Palestinian casualties top 25,000. Hamas terrorists, who started the war five months earlier, are defeated on the battlefield, but resistance to Israeli occupation lives to fight another day.
Teachers, civil servants and train drivers walk out in biggest strike in decade
In March, voters go to the polls in Russia to re-elect Vladimir Putin for a fifth term as president, if they know what’s good for them. They don’t have a choice: all violent Vlad’s genuine opponents have been killed, jailed or gone into exile.
Summertime takes Team GB to Paris for the Olympics. The dramatic opening session afloat on the Seine sinks into farce, literally, as boats collide and swimmers have to be rescued. We win gold in the rich country “sitting down” events like rowing, cycling and horse riding, but come to grief on the field.
On the pitch in sunny Deutschland for the Euros, England goes out on penalties to Germany. Again. This is so boring that the Barmy Army goes on strike and demands their money back.
They return home in August to a month of storms with strange unpronounceable foreign names lashing the country with tornadoes and torrents.
In October, Boris Johnson’s memoirs, Golden Boy: Why I Was Destined To Rule, are overshadowed by the second volume of Prince Harry’s autobiography, Spare Again: At The Wedding. Rishi Sunak, still in No10 despite losing his majority to Tory infighting, is forced to go to the country. The law compels him to do so before the year is out, even if the poll actually takes place in January 2025.
Most commentators say he’ll opt for an autumn poll, but old Routers says he’ll hang on to the bitter end, like John Major.
No politician voluntarily cuts short his time in No10. But the result is the same as 1997, total humiliation as voters punish him for clinging to power too long without a mandate.
November brings the US presidential election. After a vicious contest marred by accusations of fraud, Russian intervention and fresh sex ’n’ money scandals, Trump declares himself the winner.
Election authorities annul the outcome, and call for a fresh poll. Joe Biden finally gives way to the rogue independent Robert F Kennedy Jr (yes, that family) as the official Democrat.
King Charles offers to take America back as a Crown Colony, Prime Minister Starmer tells him not to be so silly. Liz Truss joins the Salvation Army, Boris Johnson retires to stud, and Eddie Izzard is appointed ambassador to Washington.
Richard 'shuts up' GMB guest who says Hancock 'deserved' being called 'd***head'
The year ends with a heatwave, and a promise from your clairvoyant to get it more right next time.