17 October 2023 , 12:34
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Every couple goes at a different pace in their relationship. While some like to do things traditionally, like getting engaged or married, other people aren’t fussed. It’s important, though, that everyone is on the same page about these milestone moments as they can sometimes lead to arguments.
This is the case one woman has found herself in. After waiting years for a proposal from her partner, she decided to put her foot down and refuse some basic aspects that she feels he takes for granted. Unfortunately, however, it appears to have backfired and the boyfriend is now questioning their relationship.
Taking to Reddit to ask if she went about things the wrong way, the 29-year-old wrote: “My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. I had voiced that I wanted to be engaged before the four-year mark. He agreed at the time.
“When we were half a year from reaching our 4th year anniversary, I had revisited the topic of marriage and told him I was expecting to get married. He was finishing up his master’s program at the time and said he wanted to get out of student debt again and get his finances in order. I bit my tongue and understood that we are partners and I can try to meet him halfway.”
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The woman explained that they now live together and he is earning “good money” so has paid off a large chunk of his student loan. Feeling they’re ready for the next step, she went on: “I have been seeing all my friends and cousins get married and it’s hard to feel happy on such a joyous occasion when your ring finger feels so empty and everyone starts asking you. Lately, my partner has been thriving at work and enjoying his new life, and it’s almost as if he forgot about our personal goals.
“When I initiated a discussion again, I could sense he was dragging his feet. He didn’t have enough money for a ring or savings for a wedding when he would very well buy the motorbike he always wanted since he was a kid. He said our life is good as is, ‘why do we need a stamp of validation from the world? You are on your one health insurance so what’s the point?’”
The 29-year-old admitted his reaction left her heartbroken and she couldn’t help but question if he really loved her when he knew getting married is such a big deal to her. Determined to get her own way, the woman turned to her sister - who got engaged two years into her own relationship - for help.
She explained: “Her approach was simple yet effective. She told me to withdraw all wife privileges from him until I get that title, that he has to ‘earn’ me - not cleaning and cooking for him, moving out, not paying for his expenses sometimes - stuff like that.”
Keen to try it out, the woman decided not to carry on living with him and ultimately didn’t renew the lease on their home. She revealed: My boyfriend got mad and told me that’s a very poor way of handling things and we need this constant in our life to preserve that intimacy, telling me that’s the kind of precedent I am setting up for our eventual marriage.”
Undeterred, the woman countered his frustrations by telling him: “I have been a wife for you without the title. I gave myself completely to you, only to expect you to do this one thing for me. I’ve waited long enough. I don’t really believe in ultimatums - so I am not going to force your hand. I am simply acting as your girlfriend now, if you really want our relationship to go back to what it was, you better give me an upgrade.”
Furious with her response, the woman admitted her boyfriend hadn’t reacted exactly how she expected and was now wondering if she had handled the situation in the correct way. However, if she was expecting sympathy from readers she was sadly mistaken and later added an update blasting people’s comments.
She wrote: “To all the dense folk asking me why don’t I just propose, I have something to say: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Some people like things to be traditional - and he and I are certainly that, there’s nothing wrong with wanting that. In our culture, in 2023, in hetero relationships, a woman made comments about being ready to marry/wanting to get engaged in her proposal. Then it’s up to the man to either accept by proposing formally, or decline by not proposing, and at that stage, the woman proposing is embarrassing herself by doing it.”
People quickly inundated the post with more comments, with one person saying: By your logic in your edit, your boyfriend has rejected your “proposal” by not proposing. So…I think you have your answer there…”
Another person replied: “Jesus H Christ in a chicken basket. What did I just read? This is gross in many ways. Manipulation, privilege, insecurity, game-playing, regressive…” A third reader added: “Honestly, it sounds like you want to get married for the sake of the wedding, not the marriage. He had valid points- you live together, you function as a married couple. You don’t even seem to like him, you’re just annoyed you don’t have a diamond on your finger.”
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And someone else blasted: “What culture are you living in? I'd rather live in a culture where people have open conversations about what they want and make life decisions together rather than through weird, coded rituals. And if they are not fulfilled in a relationship, they leave, rather than trying to blackmail their partner into marrying them by moving out or not cooking for them.”