02 January 2023 , 18:08
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Dear Coleen
I’ve had a huge falling out with my partner of five years because, once again, he spent Christmas with his ex-wife and their kids.
As usual, I spent the day with my parents and my brother and his family.
I had to endure the usual comments from them about how weird it is that we’ve been together so long and are engaged to be married, yet he still spends the day with his ex.
I understand he wants to see his kids, but they’re teenagers now and I’m sure they would understand if he spent Boxing Day with them or another day over the holidays.
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Of course, I’ve tried suggesting this and made it clear that his kids are always welcome at our place, but he doesn’t want to hear it.
I don’t want to sound petty, but his wife is still controlling things years after they divorced.
There’s no love lost between me and his ex, and on the few occasions I have met her, she’s been cold and dismissive, and looks like she permanently has a bad smell under her nose.
Am I being unreasonable? Is it too much to expect that I’m his priority now?
I’m 12 years younger than him and want us to have children of our own, but will he still insist on putting his ex before us?
Please advise.
Coleen says
I don’t think it’s being that unreasonable to suggest his kids come to you over the holidays.
And if Christmas Day itself is very important to him and his children, then why can’t they come over for a couple of hours to swap gifts?
I think what’s really getting to you is that he sees his ex and spends the day at her house when, actually, he doesn’t have to see her at all and it feels as if he’s prioritising her.
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Yes, it might be just one day out of the year when he sees you every other day, but it’s an important day for family to be together and you’re his family now, so you should be included.
I think you just have to stand your ground and insist that next Christmas, you want to find a compromise that works for all of you.
I think you might also need to have a bigger conversation with him about his relationship with his ex and why he’s so afraid of standing up to her.
It feels like he goes to a lot of trouble not to upset her, yet he’s OK about upsetting you. I think if you’re going to be happy together, you need to agree on some boundaries going forward.