'I am getting the blame for keeping a secret when I was sworn to secrecy'

03 August 2023 , 17:13

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How did I end up as the bad guy in all of this? (Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Dear Coleen,

I’ve fallen out with my husband’s family or, should I say, they’ve fallen out with me over their youngest daughter, who’s 21. Long story short, she got herself into a mess. Her boyfriend cheated on her, dumped her, and then she discovered she was pregnant and had a termination without telling anyone, apart from me.

She swore me to secrecy and told me not to tell the family, even my husband, because she wanted to deal with it on her own and also didn’t want to upset her parents. Anyway, it all came out because she got very drunk one night when we were all together and had a total meltdown.

I filled in the story for her family and they basically had a massive go at me for not telling them, arguing that she was young, vulnerable and needed support. I was shocked because a) my sister-in-law is an adult and b) she trusted me not to say anything.

Things have been frosty since and I don’t want it to carry on like this. My sister-in-law is fine now but, somehow, I’ve ended up the bad guy in this. Please advise.

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Coleen says

I’m not sure why your in-laws are continuing to be frosty. It’s almost like they’ve closed ranks or are looking for someone to blame and you’re the outsider. I don’t think there’s any way of making it better other than to tackle it head on and talk it out with your husband and his parents.

Tell them how they’ve made you feel. You thought you were doing the right thing by your sister-in-law ­and that it was up to her if she wanted to share this very personal information. I think your in-laws’ reaction might also be to do with worry and fear, and possibly even guilt that they didn’t spot something was going on and weren’t there for their daughter.

But I think they need to look at themselves and ask why she didn’t feel able to confide. This is something you can get over, but you have to clear the air and then put it behind you. Hopefully, now the dust has settled and your sister-in-law is OK, they’ll appreciate what a difficult ­situation you were placed in.

On the positive side, your sister-in-law does feel able to confide in you, which shows you are approachable, empathetic and trustworthy. And your in-laws should be glad you were there for her.

Coleen Nolan