21 July 2023 , 19:06
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England's highest Ashes total at home since 1985 was comedy gold – and they deserve to have the last laugh.
For the first time this summer, the Aussies required a second new ball, and if they weren't tired of chasing leather after Zak Crawley's blistering 189 on Thursday, Jonny Bairstow's ice cream cornet with a flake reduced them to Keystone Kops cricket at Old Trafford.
Make no 99 cones about it: Even if the rain gods smile on them and our friends in Baggy Greens abscond from Manchester with the urn, they have been royally outplayed here and, at times, run ragged.
When Bairstow and last man Jimmy Anderson were stealing byes to wicketkeeper Alex Carey to keep 'Bluey' on strike, it was like the stampede following a platform change at Piccadilly station in rush hour.
And unlike his fateful 'stumping' of Bairstow at Lord's, Aussie keeper Alex Carey missed the target. With the permissible exception of Nasser Hussain and Graham Thorpe's 288-run stand at Edgbaston 26 years ago, you have to go back to 1985 for the last time Australia got such a good hiding in the field over here.
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England's 592 all out in this match fell just short of their 595-5 declared at Birmingham in the summer when Freddie Mercury rocked Live Aid, and any Aussies tuning into ball-by-ball coverage must have thought they were listening to Radio Ga-Ga.
Already pulverised by opener Tim Robinson's 149 and David Gower's exquisite double hundred, they were spooked by the sight of Ian Botham marching out to bat at 572-4 and depositing two of his first three balls from Craig McDermott – who was no slouch – for six into the pavilion.
Jonny Bairstow smashed a brutal unbeaten 99 off just 81 balls in his best innings since returning from injury (Gareth Copley - ECB/ECB via Getty Images)That was also the innings victory where Richard Ellison, hooping the ball round corners, took 10 wickets in the match and Botham shared the new ball with Les Taylor, one of the last of a breed – an English seamer from down the mines.
Taylor rivalled Ed Giddins and Phil Tufnell for England's most transient No.11 rabbit, once taking guard in a county match for Leicestershire with 20 needed to avoid the follow-on and ferocious Surrey pace bowler Sylvester Clarke on the warpath. Gower, his captain, opted for preservation of Taylor's skeleton ahead of a comedy sketch on the coconut shy.
Shaking his head, he admitted, “I just can't do it” - and promptly declared. Back in 1985, the Aussies' attack purveyed assorted pies – Kipling, Fray Bentos, Pukka and Ginster – and Gower (732 runs at 81.33) filled his boots.
But seldom, if ever, has their modern trinity of Pat Cummins, Mitchell Starc and Josh Hazlewood been reduced to a three-ring circus. Between them, the Aussies' three amigos went for 392 runs in 75 overs – a rare old shelling. They will be grateful to escape with a draw.