I was an adult actor six years ago... and now my girlfriend has found out

04 July 2023 , 16:44

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I was in films with men because they paid more (stock image)

Dear Coleen

I’m 27, lesbian and have been in a wonderful relationship with my lovely girlfriend for four years. But recently she discovered I used to be in adult videos, and I’m worried how this could affect us.

I’m not entirely sure how she found out or what will happen because we’ve barely spoken since. She doesn’t seem ready to talk about it yet.

I acted in these videos before we met, back when I was at university and needed money on top of what I earned in my part-time job.

I worked with a few smaller production studios and ­eventually a couple of bigger, more well-known ones that made more popular videos.

I did this semi-regularly for about 18 months, between the ages of 20 and 21.

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I thought this was all behind me – especially since I hadn’t used my real name and it’s not like I was a big star or anything – but unfortunately, not.

Another reason I’m worried is that videos working with male actors paid more so, despite being lesbian, those were mostly the jobs I took.

The films were very vanilla, but I’m still nervous about my girlfriend knowing I was also working with men.

I would love any advice on how to move through this, when she does feel ready to talk about it.

Coleen says

First of all, don’t beat yourself up. This was something you did when you were young and desperate, and lots of people make choices they later regret when they’re in that situation. You can’t erase it, but it’s in your past and you had your reasons for doing it at the time.

You need to break the deadlock with your girlfriend and get talking again, so why not write an email or a letter, so she can read it in her own time, re-read it and think about it?

Explain your reasons for doing these videos and ­emphasise it doesn’t take away from how you feel about her and that you’re living your best life with the person you love.

I think you also need to accept that she’s shocked, but also hurt that you’ve been together four years and haven’t told her about these films. So address that, too.

I imagine you felt embarrassed or worried she’d see you differently and dump you. She might also be worried about what other people will think and there may be a bit of jealousy there, too, seeing you with other women and men.

But hopefully, once you do get talking, you’ll be able to understand each other’s ­feelings and start to work through it together. Good luck.

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Coleen Nolan