20 December 2023 , 21:52
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Dear Coleen
I split up with my long-term partner a few years ago and we have an 11-year-old daughter together. The break-up was acrimonious and we’re barely on speaking terms – we only really talk to arrange things for our daughter. He has since married and our daughter is with him and his wife a lot, as we share parenting 50/50. I’m OK with this arrangement because, as much as I dislike my ex, I want my daughter to have a close relationship with him and he is a good dad.
However, I’m worried about the influence his wife is having on our daughter. It’s obvious she doesn’t like me, which doesn’t bother me in the slightest, as I don’t like her much either. So we’re polite to each other and nothing more. Annoyingly, my daughter does like her stepmum, so I have to endure her talking about her a lot.
Lately, though, she’s said a few things that make me think this woman is bad-mouthing me either within earshot of her or directly to her. After the last visit to her dad, my daughter came home and said her stepmum had told her she was “lucky she didn’t look like me and looked more like her dad”. My daughter has also been making comments about how I dress and that I should “be more glamorous” like her stepmum. I want to have it out with my ex and his wife, but am unsure how to go about it. Do you have any tips?
Coleen says
First of all, I think it’s great that you and your ex have managed to put your differences aside and put your daughter first. I’ve been there myself and it’s not always easy. I’d suggest having a chat with your ex and his wife and start by saying something like: “Can we all be really careful about what we’re saying in front of her?” Then I think you should tell them what she’s repeated to you. I think saying she’s lucky to look more like her dad is unacceptable and needs to be called out.
The stepparent hurdle is one you have to get across. It can hurt when you realise your child loves their stepparent and talks about them a lot, but you have to remember this woman will never replace you and that it’s a different relationship. And it’s good they get along because they’re spending a lot of time together.
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So, keep your cool, don’t go in all guns blazing and just try to set some boundaries. Also be a little careful about how or why your daughter is delivering these comments. Kids, however adorable, are also smart and can be manipulative to suit their needs. Don’t give her the ammunition to start a feud. If she does repeat something else, say, “I’m sure she didn’t mean that in a nasty way”, and show her you’re being the bigger person instead of getting angry.